Yesterday, I woke up with my mind stuffed with all forms of negative thoughts, and my heart with all forms of negative emotions.
Fear, shame, regret, intimidation, hopelessness. I was so down, dejected.
I made breakfast joylessly and mindlessly. I was peeling the yam but I didn’t experience it, I was like a zombie holding a knife against the tuber. I took my bath and I didn’t feel the wetness of the water on my skin. The yam tasted like foam. I was seated but my mind was on a journey to dark destinations.
My mind’s engine was fueled with thoughts, the load of my failures and incapabilities comfortably packed in the booth.
I ruminated on how I’ve never achieved anything in this life, how success has been an alien word to me, how my future looks so fearfully devoid of the brightness the younger me was tricked to believe would be present.
Then I began to beat myself with a long, ugly whip of regrets.
I should have known better.
I should have thought better.
I should have acted.
I should have reacted better.
I shouldn’t have ended the relationship.
I shouldn’t have started the project.
I should have started the project.
I shouldn’t have said sorry.
I should have said sorry.
There’s also the unbreakable chain of self-judgement.
I’m too timid.
I’m too weak.
I’m too egocentric.
I’m too quick to act.
I’m too stupid.
I’m too not wise.
My mind began to collect all relevant data to fuel my thoughts. Sifting out all the few good remarks I’ve gotten and leaving me to ponder on the oodles of denigrating remarks I’ve been qualified and identified with.
You don’t meet the standard.
When those were not enough, my mind cooked up a few more words. All for me! I’m just no good.
I felt sour. Bitter.
And I felt I should better be dead. I’m not obligated to be alive anyways. I was doing no good being alive anyways. Who made the rule that I must remain alive in this darkness? Okay, even if there was a rule that says I must stay alive in this darkness, I am fucking breaking it!
“I’m fucking tired of this darkness!” I screamed silently.
And like magic, my scream seemed to make a crack on the wall of darkness. A very thin crack, just enough to let a ray of light in.
And in that moment, my mind’s journey through the dark alley was disrupted.
“That’s enough for today, dude,” a voice called out through the crack in the wall.
I immediately regained consciousness and my face looked like it was smiling. I reminded myself that the greatest achievement in life is to remain happy despite the setbacks, and joyful inspite of the losses.
I reminded myself that the surest measure of strength is the ability to shield my emotions from external influences, and the capability to fully own and control my mind even when events and experiences are begging to pilot it with me.
So, once again, I regained access to the wheel of my mind. I’m on my way to paradise.